Unsettled

I haven’t settled into my independence yet. It was always something I looked at through a glass casing, in view, but out of reach. And now that I have it, it rests upon my skin gently yet foreign. Like a child who just wants to wear their parents clothes — the ill fitting garment of freedom is something I have to grow into. This thing I admired from the outside looking in is not what I expected. I’m not disappointed and I never want to go back to being on the other side. But I, like most people, idolized what I did not have. I know pain, suffering and loss but I was hoping freedom would teach me kindness.

What I’ve come to love most is the safety and silence in solitude. There’s nothing to hide from anymore, but I’m still hiding from myself in more ways than not.

Hiding from myself in lies and shame because I know better but I’m not doing better.

Hiding myself in empty wine bottles.

Hiding, because with independence comes a mirror of introspection that I cannot bear to look at nor look away from. And although there may be beauty somewhere, all I see is my ugly. Things and traits I need to change while simultaneously not admitting there’s a problem.

I seem to have an unlimited amount of grace for other people, but none towards myself. Perhaps, I need to learn and possibly, that’s what freedom is.

Maybe freedom is finally abandoning weight that was never mine to carry.

Maybe freedom is not constantly judging myself or holding myself to the standards that others expect of me.

Maybe freedom looks and feels like selfishness to others and that’s why I struggle.

Maybe freedom is detaching myself from the man I love so dearly but knowing that he can never return that love.

Freedom is a girl who just gained her independence but is still in a lot of emotional pain.

Freedom is a girl who drinks too much red wine and is over enthusiastic about cannabis.

Freedom is a girl entering a new phase of womanhood that is unfamiliar, terrifying and yet promising.